I am a grown-up

I am 47 years old and I can do what I want. I am a grown-up. I am learning to trust myself and the decisions I make. Perfection is not necessary. I have made hundreds of decisions since March 1st, and they have all been fine. Some have been perfect and some have been good enough. I regret a few but I’m not losing sleep over them.

We bought a house and proceeded to rip its insides out. There was no time for perfect. There wasn’t even a mirror in the house. Getting a sink seemed more important so we lived without mirrors for weeks. I was fine. I didn’t brush my hair every day or worry about the state of my grays. One child reminded me he liked me better with colored hair, while the other said I looked fine. I decided I looked fine. After 20 years of highlights and fun colors, Covid-19 had declared a five month pause on my salon visits anyway. Why not go for something involving less maintenance? Why not show my true colors?

I am trying to ask the question, What do I need and what do I want? I used to ask, What should I do? My previous therapist told me that was my mother’s voice talking to me. I am the mother now. I don’t have to listen to that voice. I have to get in touch with my own self to see what sort of hair/salad/bathroom vanity/tile/coffee/life/etc. I would like.

We learn. And then we unlearn.